Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
