So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
