ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
