I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
