I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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