I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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