dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
