Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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