This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
