sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
