sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
