Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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