I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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