he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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