How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
