I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
