Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
