Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
