my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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