I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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