You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
