He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
