we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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