You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
