Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
