i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
