1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
