Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
