Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
