Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
