Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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