gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
