I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
