my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
