if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
