I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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