I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
