Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I love you.
Bad choice
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