i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
