he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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