He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
