dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
