I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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