he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
