If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
