It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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