I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
