Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
