Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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