Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
