you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
